The Beginning of the End

The end of May marked the beginning, of what I see, as the end of my pregnancy. I feel the end is near and Baby Zoe and I have 4-5 weeks left together in one body. We are definitely ready for this to be over and to meet each other.

The end of May has also been the greatest part of my pregnancy so far. I have been feeling very relaxed over the last few days and have been enjoying myself. I wish I could say that everything is perfect. It is not, as sleeping is a huge challenge. I seem to make an earthquake every time I turn over, which in turn wakes up the entire household. I’ve started the penguin march on a daily basis, but only when I’m tired and when I need to pee. However, with these little things I still feel great.

A couple of weeks ago, I was full of energy but not the good kind of energy. That energy was the kind energy that dictates everything you do. The kind that actually stops you from enjoying yourself. I was running  all over the house cleaning, tidying and getting ready for the baby. I was running all over the city doing all kinds of things, picking things up and shopping unnecessarily. I still felt great during this time, however, I was not relaxed.

This past weekend was a completely new kind of energy. This energy was the kind where I wanted to leave the house and actually be with people and talk with people and enjoy my time. The weather was really great, not too hot, not too cold, just perfect for me. The outside world was calling me to come out from my winter hibernation.

I spent some time in Szekesfehervar, a city outside of Budapest. This was a well needed break from the toxicity of Budapest. Not just the air around me, but my life here had become toxic and I needed to get out. I was given the opportunity to leave for a couple of days and I grabbed it. I went and enjoyed beautiful gardens and parks. Ate food in the middle of a lake and had ice cream and cake. I slowed my life down, stopped and watched the world around me. It was beautiful.

I managed to have 2 nights of deep sleep. 2 nights  where I did not wake up. Once my head hit the pillow I stayed that way until morning. I even managed a 7:30 am wake up time, it was pure bliss. I had some awesome dreams. Dreams where I met my baby for the first time, dreams of people I love and cherish, dreams where I woke up smiling.

I spoke to friends who listened to what I had to say. Friends who truly cared about what I was saying and friends who love me no matter what stupid things I say. I met friends for food, laughter and love. Just talking and sharing my crazy doubts and wildest ideas of my new life. I set myself free and let myself enjoy my life. The people, friends and family, who I saw and spoke with, enlightened me and brightened my life this weekend and opened my eyes to start enjoying this new chapter in my life.

It’s funny to think how many different emotions and feelings a person can go through in the space of a few weeks and months. Perhaps its normal, perhaps everyone goes through these kinds of stages, but during pregnancy you are more likely to track these things. You see these emotions more clearly during pregnancy as you count the weeks by. For me, I think I have experienced the entire set of emotions a person can ever feel. Some really bad, some super great and some just not worth remembering at all. I hope I can hold onto this feeling for a little while longer before the next set hits me, because I truly feel great. The end of May is now the beginning of June, which only means that Baby Zoe is nearly here.

To Worry or Not To Worry, This is Not The Question.

I thought a lot about whether to write this post or not. It seems a little personal to write my worries in such a public space, but I figured, this is the space to write them down. Everyone will say, oh don’t worry it is not a big problem. I know in my heart it is not a big issue and an issue that can sort itself out but if any of you readers out there have advice or any similar experiences or any kind of thoughts on the matter I would gladly accept and appreciate them.

It is amazing all the new and advanced technology taking over this planet. The things we can do is endless, most of it unavailable or unbeknown to the average person, myself included. There are all sorts of new medical technology and advances that are saving lives all over the planet.  During my pregnancy I have seen new ultrasound equipment, I have been able to see my daughters little hands and face before she is born, but yet there is still the unknown and questions, which cannot be answered.

Today was my 30 week ultrasound check up and I was ready to take on the world. But now, I am curled up under my duvet, pondering what changes can happen in 2 weeks. This is the time frame I was given to see if any new developments can be made on my teeny tiny baby’s kidneys. This is not a new issue, as in January there was a raised eyebrow over her kidneys, but since then we have had no further evidence of any problems.

During the appointment, I couldn’t have felt more comfortable or confident than I did. The doctor and her assistant were lovely ladies, chit chatting to me about being British and living in Hungary. They said they would do their best  to explain everything in the most basic Hungarian possible. I lay down, belly erect and waiting for the cold jelly. The first touch of the ultrasound probe (not sure what to call it) got a fierce punch from my little one, I felt quite proud she gave a strong opinion about this appointment. I don’t know what that opinion was but she gave it nonetheless.

The measurements get counted out, head first, then tummy etc. She stops over my baby’s kidneys and starts measuring. I look at her face, as she starts double and triple checking, and I see the gentle smile turn into a wrinkled frown. Out of no where she starts speaking English to me, I was relieved but immediately knew something was off because she spoke in a language I would fully understand. “Her right kidney is fine but the left is very big. It is not a problem but you need to come back and we check again. We see this 1 out of 2 boys but in girls 1 out of 20 so now we need to be careful”. We went through the rest of the check in silence as she did a more thorough examination and noted more dimensions and measurements of my baby’s anatomy. At the end of the appointment, she gave me some tissues, to wipe away the gel, she took my hand and said, “Do not worry, the baby is OK, your doctor will read the results and tell you what to do. Right now, we can do nothing but it is not a big problem”.

I left feeling grateful she was so kind but upset that now we are dealing with this kidney problem again. The results showed her right kidney is 3.5mm and the left is a whopping 8mm. Means nothing to me, except that the difference is so vast and there is not much I can do for my baby. I believe it could be a blockage and the kidney is inflamed, from what she wrote on the paper for my doctor.

I am angry at myself for not asking the right questions. But, when you are lying on the bed there is not much that goes through your mind, other than “What is wrong with my baby?”. In fact, I was waiting for her to just tell me what I should do or what is the next step. To wait 2 more weeks feels like an eternity, a time where I am told not to worry but one, which of course I will. Yes, there is nothing that can be done, but without definite answers or explanations leaves me in a black hole.

I got no picture this time, but I did see her moving her little mouth. Almost as if she was blowing bubbles, made me smile that she was having a jolly good time in there. She kicked and wriggled like a worm, as if the show was on. She is happy and in a safe place for the next 10 weeks. Now, it is a waiting game but think only happy thoughts for her as we see what developments can be made in the next 2 weeks.

Loving a Person I Have Yet to Meet

In my last post I wrote about my lack on nesting instinct. I still feel no such thing but new developments have been made and I thought I would share them with you. Saturday night was spent putting up the cot and rearranging the bedroom. With this came some new developments from me as a “mother”.

A flood of emotions washed over me as I saw the cot there. I looked at it and I felt this feeling of joy that my baby is soon going to be sleeping there. She will be tucked up, all snug and tight, making all kinds of noises and I am sure I will just stand over her watching for hours. I had a feeling of impatience, as now, I am stood there just waiting for her, like a child waiting for Christmas. I miss her even though we have never met with this longing to kiss her goodnight. A sense of fear to how I am going to raise another person. Remembering to hold her head or not to squeeze too tightly. All these wonderful emotional feelings towards a person I don’t know or know what they truly look like.

There are of course other feelings, not all so positive, that I feel too. There was a moment, when I looked around the room and saw all the changes. My beautiful sanctuary cramped up against the wall to make space for another bed. The romanticism gone from a quiet peaceful room. A feeling of loss, as I change my life for this beautiful little girl. There was anxiety to whether I am ready for this child, whether I will be good enough to do this, what kind of mother I will be. I guess these are thoughts that a lot of new mum goes through and what each new mum cannot control. No matter what you do, you have to take this task head on and tell yourself you can do it. Because really, do you have a choice?

This is my process of dealing with this life altering experience. Every woman experiences their pregnancy differently, and maybe it seems too early to put up my cot, it’s just my way of a slow transition. I don’t want surprises and I want to deal with my rational and irrational thoughts and feelings  before Baby Zoé arrives. There will be things we forget or have yet to think of but this is one less thing and one less big change to deal with later. And I know my love for this child is worth the emotional turmoil I am going through.