Loving a Person I Have Yet to Meet

In my last post I wrote about my lack on nesting instinct. I still feel no such thing but new developments have been made and I thought I would share them with you. Saturday night was spent putting up the cot and rearranging the bedroom. With this came some new developments from me as a “mother”.

A flood of emotions washed over me as I saw the cot there. I looked at it and I felt this feeling of joy that my baby is soon going to be sleeping there. She will be tucked up, all snug and tight, making all kinds of noises and I am sure I will just stand over her watching for hours. I had a feeling of impatience, as now, I am stood there just waiting for her, like a child waiting for Christmas. I miss her even though we have never met with this longing to kiss her goodnight. A sense of fear to how I am going to raise another person. Remembering to hold her head or not to squeeze too tightly. All these wonderful emotional feelings towards a person I don’t know or know what they truly look like.

There are of course other feelings, not all so positive, that I feel too. There was a moment, when I looked around the room and saw all the changes. My beautiful sanctuary cramped up against the wall to make space for another bed. The romanticism gone from a quiet peaceful room. A feeling of loss, as I change my life for this beautiful little girl. There was anxiety to whether I am ready for this child, whether I will be good enough to do this, what kind of mother I will be. I guess these are thoughts that a lot of new mum goes through and what each new mum cannot control. No matter what you do, you have to take this task head on and tell yourself you can do it. Because really, do you have a choice?

This is my process of dealing with this life altering experience. Every woman experiences their pregnancy differently, and maybe it seems too early to put up my cot, it’s just my way of a slow transition. I don’t want surprises and I want to deal with my rational and irrational thoughts and feelings  before Baby Zoé arrives. There will be things we forget or have yet to think of but this is one less thing and one less big change to deal with later. And I know my love for this child is worth the emotional turmoil I am going through.