To Worry or Not To Worry, This is Not The Question.

I thought a lot about whether to write this post or not. It seems a little personal to write my worries in such a public space, but I figured, this is the space to write them down. Everyone will say, oh don’t worry it is not a big problem. I know in my heart it is not a big issue and an issue that can sort itself out but if any of you readers out there have advice or any similar experiences or any kind of thoughts on the matter I would gladly accept and appreciate them.

It is amazing all the new and advanced technology taking over this planet. The things we can do is endless, most of it unavailable or unbeknown to the average person, myself included. There are all sorts of new medical technology and advances that are saving lives all over the planet.  During my pregnancy I have seen new ultrasound equipment, I have been able to see my daughters little hands and face before she is born, but yet there is still the unknown and questions, which cannot be answered.

Today was my 30 week ultrasound check up and I was ready to take on the world. But now, I am curled up under my duvet, pondering what changes can happen in 2 weeks. This is the time frame I was given to see if any new developments can be made on my teeny tiny baby’s kidneys. This is not a new issue, as in January there was a raised eyebrow over her kidneys, but since then we have had no further evidence of any problems.

During the appointment, I couldn’t have felt more comfortable or confident than I did. The doctor and her assistant were lovely ladies, chit chatting to me about being British and living in Hungary. They said they would do their best  to explain everything in the most basic Hungarian possible. I lay down, belly erect and waiting for the cold jelly. The first touch of the ultrasound probe (not sure what to call it) got a fierce punch from my little one, I felt quite proud she gave a strong opinion about this appointment. I don’t know what that opinion was but she gave it nonetheless.

The measurements get counted out, head first, then tummy etc. She stops over my baby’s kidneys and starts measuring. I look at her face, as she starts double and triple checking, and I see the gentle smile turn into a wrinkled frown. Out of no where she starts speaking English to me, I was relieved but immediately knew something was off because she spoke in a language I would fully understand. “Her right kidney is fine but the left is very big. It is not a problem but you need to come back and we check again. We see this 1 out of 2 boys but in girls 1 out of 20 so now we need to be careful”. We went through the rest of the check in silence as she did a more thorough examination and noted more dimensions and measurements of my baby’s anatomy. At the end of the appointment, she gave me some tissues, to wipe away the gel, she took my hand and said, “Do not worry, the baby is OK, your doctor will read the results and tell you what to do. Right now, we can do nothing but it is not a big problem”.

I left feeling grateful she was so kind but upset that now we are dealing with this kidney problem again. The results showed her right kidney is 3.5mm and the left is a whopping 8mm. Means nothing to me, except that the difference is so vast and there is not much I can do for my baby. I believe it could be a blockage and the kidney is inflamed, from what she wrote on the paper for my doctor.

I am angry at myself for not asking the right questions. But, when you are lying on the bed there is not much that goes through your mind, other than “What is wrong with my baby?”. In fact, I was waiting for her to just tell me what I should do or what is the next step. To wait 2 more weeks feels like an eternity, a time where I am told not to worry but one, which of course I will. Yes, there is nothing that can be done, but without definite answers or explanations leaves me in a black hole.

I got no picture this time, but I did see her moving her little mouth. Almost as if she was blowing bubbles, made me smile that she was having a jolly good time in there. She kicked and wriggled like a worm, as if the show was on. She is happy and in a safe place for the next 10 weeks. Now, it is a waiting game but think only happy thoughts for her as we see what developments can be made in the next 2 weeks.